Imbokodo - I'm not!

I'm not Imbokodo, I'm soft and supple

I'm not Imbokodo, I'm fragile and frail

I'm not Imbokodo, I'm beautifully molded for luxury not iDover Stove

You've long oppressed me and made me believe hardship defined my strength

I have coughed out Nations, borne Kings, nurtured Warriors, but still I'm not Imbokodo

Why do you define me in a manner that allows incindezo on me

There's no greatness in strife, no glory in our bent backs as we toil to nurture you

I'm not Imbokodo, I don't want to be, I want to be  bathed in love and oils, I want to sit on a throne and be revered for my nurturing womb and hands

I'm not Imbokodo, I want nations to be in awe of the product of our beings

Hardship shouldn't define us, we gain no favor when we are told we have to endure, no accolades that are worthy of us should be defined by us being tagged as those who don't feel, hurt, bleed and more. So keep your Imbokodo Award, we politely reject it

We are a beautifully crafted species, we are more than the pain you force us to accept so we can qualify for the Imbokodo Awards, keep it

Today, I celebrate my womanhood, my core, my being. 

Voices

Voices, a thousand voices, loud and resounding
I have never been such sandy shores, overwhelmed
The remnants of my being as sand galloped upon by stallions, enveloping my every sense and being
Lost in the fear that threatens my core
Shaky and lost in the abyss of anxiety


Lost in the rain of unheard songs
Strangled by the libations I've long suppressed
Choking on my own greatness
Lamenting the sins of my being
Wailing! Wailing! the cold winds dare not comfort me


The air dry, mother earth dead to my incantations
Time is but a mirrored reflection, lost to my numb being
My dreams torture and mock me
The land of the shadows dare not accept me,for many a loose end awaits my devotion


The cock crows, my voice rises in praise and awe
Dawn is here, and I will serve as called upon
Voices guide me, my silence is their drum
I shall be as it were

Nomakanjani

Nomakanjani they said, always we will be

It shall be well with us

For our sons and daughters fight this evil

For our seed bleeds into the soil

Mass of bones in unknown graves

Nomakanjani they said

The fences ripped at them, as if sent by the oppressor

Their own looted their innocence, in the name of freedom fighting they did

Masks were picked and worn to mask the pain behind

Alongside them they Toyi-toyi’d

Their insides twisted and weeping from their flippant violation

Nomakanjani they said to them

The reverberating sound of gunshots

Forever imbedded within

Waking more of them than a new-born’s cry

As if doomed to that they were

Their wombs calling out to the spilt foetuses

Dreams of suckling infants and virile husbands lost

Rummaging in the bushes for survival their present

And still all they said to them was;

Nomakanjani

Time travelled and left them behind to find their path home

Flags were raised and there was jubilation

No one bothered to ask where they were

No one asked if they were fine

No one noticed they weren’t there

But they had said always to them

Nomakanjani

She wakes up in a cold sweat

Her insides screaming

Her hands reaching for her gun

She know no one she can trust but it

The air is musty and choking

Little does she realise

She was left behind

Her shell exists in the new South Africa

Her soul still roams the trenches all torn and alone

And when she reaches for the bottle seeking solace

The labels follow her and stick

But then didn’t they say

Nomakanjani 

This is from @Ntoshtoyin, dedicated to the women who left their homes and joined Umkhonto we Sizwe, women who have untold nightmares and horrors, women who were left to fend for their sanity in the new South Africa. AMANDLA #IMBOKODO

UHURU

UHURU,

When fear clings to you

A step forward petrifies you

And your insides scream for freedom

When your being screams

Not Yet Uhuru

A love suppressed

A love unrequited

A friendly gesture exploited 

Betrayal echoing around you

And your being screams

Not Yet Uhuru

When the storm rages

The waves in their anger bellow

The wind wails in lamenting libations

Calling our being to the fore 

The sun glares in petulant anger 

And your being screams

Not Yet Uhuru

When your quest for freedom burns

And it no longer pays to be mute

The floodgates of courage open

Sweeping all the fear and oppresion in its wake

And the mirror judges you

When enough is enough

And your being screams

Not Yet Uhuru

When the core is rotten

Maggot filled and poisonous

And all is vile and spent 

When the pungent smell permeates

And your being screams

Not Yet Uhuru

                                                         

When trust is betrayed

Lunacy lost

When all is said and done

And the guilty swear on deities

When the blood split laments

And peace knows us not

The ground thirsty for innocent blood

The earth loathe to yield for us

In trepidation the being wails

Not Yet Uhuru

When bellies protrude in hunger

A mother wailing

A child calling out

And yet again

The being screams

Not Yet Uhuru

It has to be done

The time is now

Silence not an option

It has to be done

The milk has long been split

The being wails

Not Yet Uhuru

The above was penned by myself @Ntoshtoyin, in the wake of the abyss our Nation has fallen into. The blatant racial discrimination, unapologetic and entitled, flaunted and honored. The black men looting his own.. each man standing for himself and the Gods promptly discarded.... NOT YET UHURU

The Lion I tamed

Sello, yes you..Sello

Release the rhymes within, let your ego be my drum 

Let me beat it to a crescendo,

Sello, yes you.....

Namaste I say every morrow, your greatness forever seen by mine. 

Set the walls that guard you in ablaze, set the path you left to a fiery end. 

Sello! Your name a mouthful, yet a melody. 

Tugging at my fragile heartstrings

Bringing out the ferocious lioness

How befitting your name and my being 

My mane your pillow for the weary nights. 

Sello a song in my heart is your name. 

Sello!!!! Now STOP!!!!!....... Let me reach the world beyond 

With whistles and russles we communicate 

With dreams and signs we reach out. 

Your soul seeks mine 

Namaste I call. Namaste you scramble back 

Divinity and Purity prevail. 

Sello reaching out you in grace. 

Yes you, Sello falling into you with faith 

Hold my hand 

Trusting in the process 

Let's.... Hold my hand. Leggooooo

#Ntoshspace - Rantings of a Medicated Being: Violated

#Ntoshspace - Rantings of a Medicated Being: Violated: You strip me naked with your Wolf like eyes Devouring me to my core, I plead with you Please no!!!!! I hear a distant voice, Your evi...

My 16year Old

My 16year old, how do I protect you?

From everyone and everything

I fail to protect me

When his fangs show in anticipation of what would be

His acknowledgement of my being shutters my defenses

How “I scream in my head”

How do I do it that you do not succumb

You see he knows our fears and strengths

He manipulates us to be as he wants to

My 16years old

He dazzles and charms

Anoints you with his attention

Already slathered one thousand others before you

You preen and fall into the abyss that is his Manhood

Heeding no one but your pulsating naïve heart

How do I protect you from what I succumbed to?

Voices scream in my being “save me, save her, save us all’

Maybe this time the Gods of Thunder shall heed my calls

For I call from the womb that brought forth a being

Thundered in labor so that you could be

Maybe the Gods of all good shall heed my call

And hold you together he shall never penetrate

Maybe they curse us, who knows

And he holds the key to all ears that need to heed

“STOP IT” I say, he flinches

What he sees in my eyes he dares not.

My 16year old, I live for you, kill I shall for you

Child

Child get off that floor, off your knees

Child reclaim your power

His lies were your downfall

He clothed you with deceit

Moisturized you with his treachery

Why do you mourn his departure?

Pray tell who mourns the departure of a storm

One that raged and tore at you

Your tears watering the garden of his depraved being

You weep now for the man that plundered your worth

You honor the slime and scum of all things cursed

You weep now for the tide that lashed you

Bashed you against the rocks of unfulfilled love’

Child “Be Still” I command        

                  

Is that not the warthog that gored your heart?

That splintered your being to irreparable proportions

Child “Look at me”

Is that not the monster that stole your youth?

And deflowered your faith

Is that not him that left you lying in the gutters of broken promises?

Is that not him that smothered you with his sickening lies?

Child stop

Move On

Violated

You strip me naked with your Wolf like eyes

Devouring me to my core, I plead with you

Please no!!!!! I hear a distant voice,

Your evil eyes glistening with lust,

No regard for the tears that flow and burn my angelic face

They say Lucifer is in hell,

Lies, Lies, My insides scream he is right before me,
Your clumsy thick fingers violate my being,
Something just died what? My soul I answer myself,

Leave me alone my insides scream,

Oh lord why can’t he stop,

Your stale breath down my neck,

Panting like a Doberman, Maybe you are, Are you?

Lord take me now,

I said No!

Don’t you want a raise, Stop I say, Am I really saying it,

My voice caught in my throat, Is he choking me, Are you?

No my own tears choking me,

But I told him no,

I said No!

The hush sound of quiet,

Is that the courtroom, why? Did I tell anyone?

I am in a daze, that’s my mother sitting there,

Mama don’t cry, Qina,

Silence in court,

What does he mean? There are no voices,

I swear he says,

Did he not say that, I swear I didn’t mean to hurt you, but he did?

He is lying your honor he swore not to but he did,

How do you plead she says, but I pleaded No! he still did it,

Maybe you should find him guilty then, Yes, Maybe you should.

But he is, I swear he is GUILTY I mean,

But Jimmy I said no!!!! Jimmy I said No!!!!!

How can I know how many No’s I said?

I was terrified, what do you mean did I scream? I was terrified,

‘I froze, what do you mean, But ask him, Jimmy did I not say no?

I trusted you hence I froze, my voice choked, I did not believe you would,

Your once trusted face leering at me with pent up lust,

But Jimmy I struggled I didn't a want the raise,

Jimmy I begged you not to,

Not even the promotion,

All I wanted I already had,

You brutally took away.

My worth as a human being, As a woman.

 Find him guilty,

Young lady, Silence!!! What were you wearing?

Dead silence, I fall into the abyss of darkness.

When did it come to this?

Will I forever defend who I am?

You design clothes and you rape me in them,

Have I fallen so much into your maze I cannot get out.

Find him guilty.

Find all of them guilty.

Find me guilty,

But leave my soul alone

They say the Devil is in hell, I say Lucifer surrounds me

My Land

The Shampoo that you call your colored hair shampoo is a tree,

Ripped out from the tormented raped forest of our forefathers

The land brutally taken by your sword wielding forefathers,

Whose ship on our shores had the dogs howling in premonition?

Your ships on our shores had the skies darken in trepidation and sorrow of the beautiful land soon to be soaked by the blood of its children, 

The birds quieted and only sang at the wonder of these pink faced trespassers

As if they knew they would soon rip them apart with the magic of the long horned instrument,

As if they knew and felt in their flurry blessed soul hobbies would be done in their honor

The honor of dying in midair with the blazing of the long horn called the gun, 

Where the so called Gentlemen in their idleness and cruelty to taint the land of my forefathers

Took turns vandalizing nature only God in his infinity love gave to us,

Your fore fathers’ in their idleness and cruelty took to aim with their instruments of death and perished our beautiful majestic land,

Your Forefathers in their idleness when they perished our forests turned their long honed machines of destruction to them. 

I the child of Nongqwawuse who in her infinite wisdom believed the idleness of your forefathers

Even then with pride we still roamed the sacred forest of our forefathers

And the shampoo you killed us for and still kill us for is and was from the trees of our forests brutally raped and taken away from my forefathers by sword wielding forefather

Grief

My heart bleeds my heart cries out to you lord

As I see her torn and dismembered body and remember the day you brought her into my life all perfect and promising, promises of future, grandchildren,

I remember the perfection only you can bestow,

The warmth only a father can experience because of your loving grace

The first steps I might not have been there

The first words I might not have been here

But I was always thankful of the gift you gave me

And now my heart bleeds as I look at the dismembered body

The once perfect gift from you

Reduced to remains, the one perfect promise lord reduced to a number

And I lament the cruelty of her passing

I have questions father

Could you answer me?

Did you comfort her?

Did you touch her spirit?

Did you warm her?

In her last moments did you tell her I loved her and will always do?

And now my heart bleeds

My own flesh gutted father, that I had to live to see that,

That my last loving moments were in sorrow

For as I held the pieces of what she once was it was with the everlasting love I have for her for she was my own

My perfect gift from you father

For as everyone shuddered in dread I had to love her till her resting moment

I have questions Lord

Was it her destiny?

Was it fate?

Was it my destiny?

My own flesh and blood that I had to live to see that

And now as I remember the walk to her resting place

All hazy

I have no recollection

But she is gone, violently, as if she committed what we will never know.

What iniquities have visited her?

Today it dawns she is gone

And the only images I have

Is the gruesome reminder of her violent passing?

I have a request Lord

Heal me and my family

Recreate in me new memories of my daughter

So that I can be the man I was before

Lord knows my wife and son need me

Let me be there for them

I cry out to you lord

Save me and make me the man I was before

My heart bleeds and I lament but only you can heal me lord only you can h

Motherland Woes

My bleeding cracked feet painful trudge towards my future

Brightly beckoning, a future so bright, where I shine not by bloodied feet judged

My brightly colored future, washing the shabby garb that protects me from the harsh realities of what I call life,

Coloring it bright with the promise of a life so bright "Ikamva eliqhakazileyo", 

A future where brick, by brick I rebuild my Motherland,

My cracked feet a transition of a legacy,

From the bloodied street and the sound of wailing mothers lost their sons to the violent times of our tainted history, to the empty stomachs and the wailing child violated by umalume,

A legacy I vow to erase, the Legacy of Poverty. 

As I trudge painfully with my cracked bloodied feet,

My bright future beckoning,

Washing my tattered garb, working towards rebuilding my beautiful Motherland,

A transition of Legacies from the bloodied streets,

The sound of a screaming man, as the force of the bullet tears his body

his dreams shattered, he lies on the ground, silence as he waits for the wailing of a lover to accompany his tortured soul to the land he so dreads, before he delivers his Motherland,

With tears streaming he walks towards his forefathers in shame,

To the beautiful colors so different yet merge to create the beautiful serenely mystic Rainbow,

And the sound of the bullet as it leaves the cocoon of its mother’s womb,

To silence the product of another’s womb affects the colors that we are,

As you embrace me I feel your warmth and your heart beats in synchrony with mine  

I realize we share the same spirit,

The spirit of us,

As we walk to our future worlds apart the land that binds us beckons,

And we walk and build brick by brick our land to the glory our forefathers knew  

With pride we walk because we are the Youth of South Africa borne of great man,

As we walk together our faces lit by the beckoning future I realize we are because we were,

I Weep

I walk the streets of my motherland in trepidation,

My mother I can’t look into in the eye

My brother " chafkop "you say

Which part of our mother’s womb you came from,

Brother Brother thou art evil

I wail,

In dread I meet the love of my life never to be judged by his past

Love thou art wicked the only gun he ever had was the plastic of an era long gone,

I am an era long gone in his, the gun in his hand once a long time ago, returned to haunt him

Who wants to be a victim of a crime of passion?

History you judge him.

In terror I drive through the streets of my beautiful land ,

Placard in my face I roll up my windows as a child abandoned by his forefathers in jest stands with it ,

Trying to draw from my being the sympathy he no longer conjures in his own mother,

Child thou art banished.

For the glory was yours and you gave away,

Haggard looking you walk towards my window,

I weep bitterly as I am reminded of the glory we once knew

I hate you

You remind me of what I lost

My Blessing

I close my eyes and I feel his warmth and his soft limbs as they creep around my neck,

My eyes burn with tears at the innocence that envelopes me from his being

I close my eyes and hear his innocent strong willed voice as it calls out to me demanding the attention it more than deserves

As the smell of his young innocent flesh penetrates my being, I realize I am blessed

For his presence was determined by the universe

My womb as that of Sarah was filled by God’s promise

As the scent of his innocent flesh penetrates my senses I realize I am honored for as Mary was with the son of man

And that no matter what life throws at us it is the product of our wombs so blessed and filled with life we are truly blessed

 

For as the barren womb in envy scorns us and so does God to it

So as the barren womb in its disgrace scorns and so does God to it

And so as the barren womb in its wretchedness scorns us and so does God to it

I have been honored with the gift of carrying life and protecting it

I have been honored to be the vessel of life

My womb has been honored to nurture ad bring forth kings and queens of this land

My womb,

I close my eyes and feel his sun kissed innocence on my bosom

And I am in awe and the wonder of his creation

That I have been granted the honor

I close my eyes and draw his small frame into an embrace

And I am forever beholden to the gift of life,

I fall on my knees and raise my eyes to the blessed heavens and praise his grace,

I lament the cruelty of the barren womb that scorns the fruit of my womb

I pity and pray not for its demise but that God can visit his scorn and his mercy on it

For he promises that he will visit his wrath to those that torment his children

I close my eyes and see him as he runs around in rapturous innocent laughter and weep silently at the land he will grow in,

And as the sun sets in the horizon I see his sun filled face mirrored with the image of God and I fall on my knees and weep

As the storm thunders and I see the lightning flash in his innocent eyes

In that moment there is hope,

Hope at the raped innocence of our children

The tears that burn my eyes flow free

Like rivulets of blood etching paths that remain forever

My eyes as my heart bleed in sorrow and hope

I am blessed

I'm Afraid

I'm afraid

My heart beats sorrowfully with unrequited love.
My palms clammy as I reach for my vulnerable bosom

My legs give away; I fall into the abyss of fearful love
Fearful in its uncertainty

I love you Damn it, why won’t you answer me,
A cold shudder awakens me I am in a trance I am dreaming
Do you love me though?

I am still afraid

I said love me damnit

Do you love me though?

A cold hard hand squeezes my heart my head pounds,

Somebody just hit me I am about to explode,
A cold shudder awakens me I am in a trance I am dreaming,

Do you love me though? Rivulets of blood flow down my bosom,
my heart bleeds I wait for the awakening shudder,
Am in a trance am I dreaming.

A cold silence envelopes me I am dead I can’t feel nothing I am numb,
 the deep well of nothingness envelopes me,

The last moments of the Titanic with the violin playing,
I wait for the shudder to awaken me,
the taste blood in my mouth, You,
I scream in my head somebody help!! did you just bash my teeth in,

I walk towards a light I am at rest I feel no pain, a warm embrace i am in God’s arms.
The promise of no more pain,

Baby, baby a voice beckons threatens my newfound heaven
my silver light and the warmth of God’s embrace.

Baby I didn’t mean to. Can you hear me?

I hate you, I hate you, didn’t mean to what?

The shudder comes again I am not in a trance, you have done it,
My doe eyes stab you with the intensity of the hate I feel for you, hate or love, I am lost

Is that you squashing my broken heart under your feet, did you say baby?
My face feels warm, my head is bleeding, oh lord he hit me.

You you you,

I know he did not, Lucifer is standing in front of me is that you do you love me though?

I said love me danmit.

Baby I did not mean to hurt you say, I hate you I hate you,

What did you mean to do?
A cold shudder awakens me I am in a trance I am dreaming.
I walk away my heart under your big clumsy feet,
I hate you.
Baby I didn’t mean to you say, I am obvilious to your whining voice,
I hate you,

My head held high, I walk never looking back. Lucifer behind me,
Only Love can heal me,
Once again
Leaving my heart under your big, clumsy feet.
Big clumsy feet,
Only love will heal me