#Ntoshspace - Rantings of a Medicated Being: Violated

#Ntoshspace - Rantings of a Medicated Being: Violated: You strip me naked with your Wolf like eyes Devouring me to my core, I plead with you Please no!!!!! I hear a distant voice, Your evi...

My 16year Old

My 16year old, how do I protect you?

From everyone and everything

I fail to protect me

When his fangs show in anticipation of what would be

His acknowledgement of my being shutters my defenses

How “I scream in my head”

How do I do it that you do not succumb

You see he knows our fears and strengths

He manipulates us to be as he wants to

My 16years old

He dazzles and charms

Anoints you with his attention

Already slathered one thousand others before you

You preen and fall into the abyss that is his Manhood

Heeding no one but your pulsating naïve heart

How do I protect you from what I succumbed to?

Voices scream in my being “save me, save her, save us all’

Maybe this time the Gods of Thunder shall heed my calls

For I call from the womb that brought forth a being

Thundered in labor so that you could be

Maybe the Gods of all good shall heed my call

And hold you together he shall never penetrate

Maybe they curse us, who knows

And he holds the key to all ears that need to heed

“STOP IT” I say, he flinches

What he sees in my eyes he dares not.

My 16year old, I live for you, kill I shall for you

Child

Child get off that floor, off your knees

Child reclaim your power

His lies were your downfall

He clothed you with deceit

Moisturized you with his treachery

Why do you mourn his departure?

Pray tell who mourns the departure of a storm

One that raged and tore at you

Your tears watering the garden of his depraved being

You weep now for the man that plundered your worth

You honor the slime and scum of all things cursed

You weep now for the tide that lashed you

Bashed you against the rocks of unfulfilled love’

Child “Be Still” I command        

                  

Is that not the warthog that gored your heart?

That splintered your being to irreparable proportions

Child “Look at me”

Is that not the monster that stole your youth?

And deflowered your faith

Is that not him that left you lying in the gutters of broken promises?

Is that not him that smothered you with his sickening lies?

Child stop

Move On

Violated

You strip me naked with your Wolf like eyes

Devouring me to my core, I plead with you

Please no!!!!! I hear a distant voice,

Your evil eyes glistening with lust,

No regard for the tears that flow and burn my angelic face

They say Lucifer is in hell,

Lies, Lies, My insides scream he is right before me,
Your clumsy thick fingers violate my being,
Something just died what? My soul I answer myself,

Leave me alone my insides scream,

Oh lord why can’t he stop,

Your stale breath down my neck,

Panting like a Doberman, Maybe you are, Are you?

Lord take me now,

I said No!

Don’t you want a raise, Stop I say, Am I really saying it,

My voice caught in my throat, Is he choking me, Are you?

No my own tears choking me,

But I told him no,

I said No!

The hush sound of quiet,

Is that the courtroom, why? Did I tell anyone?

I am in a daze, that’s my mother sitting there,

Mama don’t cry, Qina,

Silence in court,

What does he mean? There are no voices,

I swear he says,

Did he not say that, I swear I didn’t mean to hurt you, but he did?

He is lying your honor he swore not to but he did,

How do you plead she says, but I pleaded No! he still did it,

Maybe you should find him guilty then, Yes, Maybe you should.

But he is, I swear he is GUILTY I mean,

But Jimmy I said no!!!! Jimmy I said No!!!!!

How can I know how many No’s I said?

I was terrified, what do you mean did I scream? I was terrified,

‘I froze, what do you mean, But ask him, Jimmy did I not say no?

I trusted you hence I froze, my voice choked, I did not believe you would,

Your once trusted face leering at me with pent up lust,

But Jimmy I struggled I didn't a want the raise,

Jimmy I begged you not to,

Not even the promotion,

All I wanted I already had,

You brutally took away.

My worth as a human being, As a woman.

 Find him guilty,

Young lady, Silence!!! What were you wearing?

Dead silence, I fall into the abyss of darkness.

When did it come to this?

Will I forever defend who I am?

You design clothes and you rape me in them,

Have I fallen so much into your maze I cannot get out.

Find him guilty.

Find all of them guilty.

Find me guilty,

But leave my soul alone

They say the Devil is in hell, I say Lucifer surrounds me

My Land

The Shampoo that you call your colored hair shampoo is a tree,

Ripped out from the tormented raped forest of our forefathers

The land brutally taken by your sword wielding forefathers,

Whose ship on our shores had the dogs howling in premonition?

Your ships on our shores had the skies darken in trepidation and sorrow of the beautiful land soon to be soaked by the blood of its children, 

The birds quieted and only sang at the wonder of these pink faced trespassers

As if they knew they would soon rip them apart with the magic of the long horned instrument,

As if they knew and felt in their flurry blessed soul hobbies would be done in their honor

The honor of dying in midair with the blazing of the long horn called the gun, 

Where the so called Gentlemen in their idleness and cruelty to taint the land of my forefathers

Took turns vandalizing nature only God in his infinity love gave to us,

Your fore fathers’ in their idleness and cruelty took to aim with their instruments of death and perished our beautiful majestic land,

Your Forefathers in their idleness when they perished our forests turned their long honed machines of destruction to them. 

I the child of Nongqwawuse who in her infinite wisdom believed the idleness of your forefathers

Even then with pride we still roamed the sacred forest of our forefathers

And the shampoo you killed us for and still kill us for is and was from the trees of our forests brutally raped and taken away from my forefathers by sword wielding forefather

Grief

My heart bleeds my heart cries out to you lord

As I see her torn and dismembered body and remember the day you brought her into my life all perfect and promising, promises of future, grandchildren,

I remember the perfection only you can bestow,

The warmth only a father can experience because of your loving grace

The first steps I might not have been there

The first words I might not have been here

But I was always thankful of the gift you gave me

And now my heart bleeds as I look at the dismembered body

The once perfect gift from you

Reduced to remains, the one perfect promise lord reduced to a number

And I lament the cruelty of her passing

I have questions father

Could you answer me?

Did you comfort her?

Did you touch her spirit?

Did you warm her?

In her last moments did you tell her I loved her and will always do?

And now my heart bleeds

My own flesh gutted father, that I had to live to see that,

That my last loving moments were in sorrow

For as I held the pieces of what she once was it was with the everlasting love I have for her for she was my own

My perfect gift from you father

For as everyone shuddered in dread I had to love her till her resting moment

I have questions Lord

Was it her destiny?

Was it fate?

Was it my destiny?

My own flesh and blood that I had to live to see that

And now as I remember the walk to her resting place

All hazy

I have no recollection

But she is gone, violently, as if she committed what we will never know.

What iniquities have visited her?

Today it dawns she is gone

And the only images I have

Is the gruesome reminder of her violent passing?

I have a request Lord

Heal me and my family

Recreate in me new memories of my daughter

So that I can be the man I was before

Lord knows my wife and son need me

Let me be there for them

I cry out to you lord

Save me and make me the man I was before

My heart bleeds and I lament but only you can heal me lord only you can h

Motherland Woes

My bleeding cracked feet painful trudge towards my future

Brightly beckoning, a future so bright, where I shine not by bloodied feet judged

My brightly colored future, washing the shabby garb that protects me from the harsh realities of what I call life,

Coloring it bright with the promise of a life so bright "Ikamva eliqhakazileyo", 

A future where brick, by brick I rebuild my Motherland,

My cracked feet a transition of a legacy,

From the bloodied street and the sound of wailing mothers lost their sons to the violent times of our tainted history, to the empty stomachs and the wailing child violated by umalume,

A legacy I vow to erase, the Legacy of Poverty. 

As I trudge painfully with my cracked bloodied feet,

My bright future beckoning,

Washing my tattered garb, working towards rebuilding my beautiful Motherland,

A transition of Legacies from the bloodied streets,

The sound of a screaming man, as the force of the bullet tears his body

his dreams shattered, he lies on the ground, silence as he waits for the wailing of a lover to accompany his tortured soul to the land he so dreads, before he delivers his Motherland,

With tears streaming he walks towards his forefathers in shame,

To the beautiful colors so different yet merge to create the beautiful serenely mystic Rainbow,

And the sound of the bullet as it leaves the cocoon of its mother’s womb,

To silence the product of another’s womb affects the colors that we are,

As you embrace me I feel your warmth and your heart beats in synchrony with mine  

I realize we share the same spirit,

The spirit of us,

As we walk to our future worlds apart the land that binds us beckons,

And we walk and build brick by brick our land to the glory our forefathers knew  

With pride we walk because we are the Youth of South Africa borne of great man,

As we walk together our faces lit by the beckoning future I realize we are because we were,

I Weep

I walk the streets of my motherland in trepidation,

My mother I can’t look into in the eye

My brother " chafkop "you say

Which part of our mother’s womb you came from,

Brother Brother thou art evil

I wail,

In dread I meet the love of my life never to be judged by his past

Love thou art wicked the only gun he ever had was the plastic of an era long gone,

I am an era long gone in his, the gun in his hand once a long time ago, returned to haunt him

Who wants to be a victim of a crime of passion?

History you judge him.

In terror I drive through the streets of my beautiful land ,

Placard in my face I roll up my windows as a child abandoned by his forefathers in jest stands with it ,

Trying to draw from my being the sympathy he no longer conjures in his own mother,

Child thou art banished.

For the glory was yours and you gave away,

Haggard looking you walk towards my window,

I weep bitterly as I am reminded of the glory we once knew

I hate you

You remind me of what I lost

My Blessing

I close my eyes and I feel his warmth and his soft limbs as they creep around my neck,

My eyes burn with tears at the innocence that envelopes me from his being

I close my eyes and hear his innocent strong willed voice as it calls out to me demanding the attention it more than deserves

As the smell of his young innocent flesh penetrates my being, I realize I am blessed

For his presence was determined by the universe

My womb as that of Sarah was filled by God’s promise

As the scent of his innocent flesh penetrates my senses I realize I am honored for as Mary was with the son of man

And that no matter what life throws at us it is the product of our wombs so blessed and filled with life we are truly blessed

 

For as the barren womb in envy scorns us and so does God to it

So as the barren womb in its disgrace scorns and so does God to it

And so as the barren womb in its wretchedness scorns us and so does God to it

I have been honored with the gift of carrying life and protecting it

I have been honored to be the vessel of life

My womb has been honored to nurture ad bring forth kings and queens of this land

My womb,

I close my eyes and feel his sun kissed innocence on my bosom

And I am in awe and the wonder of his creation

That I have been granted the honor

I close my eyes and draw his small frame into an embrace

And I am forever beholden to the gift of life,

I fall on my knees and raise my eyes to the blessed heavens and praise his grace,

I lament the cruelty of the barren womb that scorns the fruit of my womb

I pity and pray not for its demise but that God can visit his scorn and his mercy on it

For he promises that he will visit his wrath to those that torment his children

I close my eyes and see him as he runs around in rapturous innocent laughter and weep silently at the land he will grow in,

And as the sun sets in the horizon I see his sun filled face mirrored with the image of God and I fall on my knees and weep

As the storm thunders and I see the lightning flash in his innocent eyes

In that moment there is hope,

Hope at the raped innocence of our children

The tears that burn my eyes flow free

Like rivulets of blood etching paths that remain forever

My eyes as my heart bleed in sorrow and hope

I am blessed

I'm Afraid

I'm afraid

My heart beats sorrowfully with unrequited love.
My palms clammy as I reach for my vulnerable bosom

My legs give away; I fall into the abyss of fearful love
Fearful in its uncertainty

I love you Damn it, why won’t you answer me,
A cold shudder awakens me I am in a trance I am dreaming
Do you love me though?

I am still afraid

I said love me damnit

Do you love me though?

A cold hard hand squeezes my heart my head pounds,

Somebody just hit me I am about to explode,
A cold shudder awakens me I am in a trance I am dreaming,

Do you love me though? Rivulets of blood flow down my bosom,
my heart bleeds I wait for the awakening shudder,
Am in a trance am I dreaming.

A cold silence envelopes me I am dead I can’t feel nothing I am numb,
 the deep well of nothingness envelopes me,

The last moments of the Titanic with the violin playing,
I wait for the shudder to awaken me,
the taste blood in my mouth, You,
I scream in my head somebody help!! did you just bash my teeth in,

I walk towards a light I am at rest I feel no pain, a warm embrace i am in God’s arms.
The promise of no more pain,

Baby, baby a voice beckons threatens my newfound heaven
my silver light and the warmth of God’s embrace.

Baby I didn’t mean to. Can you hear me?

I hate you, I hate you, didn’t mean to what?

The shudder comes again I am not in a trance, you have done it,
My doe eyes stab you with the intensity of the hate I feel for you, hate or love, I am lost

Is that you squashing my broken heart under your feet, did you say baby?
My face feels warm, my head is bleeding, oh lord he hit me.

You you you,

I know he did not, Lucifer is standing in front of me is that you do you love me though?

I said love me danmit.

Baby I did not mean to hurt you say, I hate you I hate you,

What did you mean to do?
A cold shudder awakens me I am in a trance I am dreaming.
I walk away my heart under your big clumsy feet,
I hate you.
Baby I didn’t mean to you say, I am obvilious to your whining voice,
I hate you,

My head held high, I walk never looking back. Lucifer behind me,
Only Love can heal me,
Once again
Leaving my heart under your big, clumsy feet.
Big clumsy feet,
Only love will heal me  

I'm a Tree

I am a tree, deeply rooted

I shed and I blossom

Through the seasons I grow.

I listen to the sound of the raging

waters

And from them I get my calm, my

peace.

I’m drawn to the blackness of the

clouds

The winds as they come, create an

uncertainty

As they brutally lash at my being.

I hold firm

The rains as they come, feed me

As the torrents threaten to uproot me

I hold firm

The sun as it comes, warms me

And threatens to scorch me

I hold firm

The cold, dark, angry and bitter comes

And threatens me, but I still hold firm

I am a tree, deeply rooted

On the banks and shores of the angry,

raging waters

But I hold on

From the blackness of the clouds

I draw my calm

I feed off the elements that threaten my very being

Cannot

Can’t be explained it is what it is, the love I feel for you drowns me in its tidal purity, can’t be explained it is what it is,

My heart pounds at the sound of your voice, every endearment meaningless but from your lips coats me with happiness never known,

Joyful in your arms I am can't be explained it is what it is ,I love you with the love the Gods of love bestowed to my being if there be any the day I left the safe cocoon of my mothers womb,

I love you with purity only you deserve, it can't be explained it is what it is and meant to be.

Love you, Come to me

A morning that dawned clear and beautiful Beautiful clear blue skies darkened by my tears I mourn the love that eludes my grasp, I smell the scent of a joyful heart. I can only smell but not feel I have lost you my love, come hither lest this be the end of me My heart in a million pieces Have I angered the Gods of love if there be any? Am I cousin with folly I lament? I love you my love come to me I grace you with a heart so pure and love so deep. I love you my love, come to me. Mirror, Mirror I was the fairest you said, What purpose does it serve if not turn frogs to Princes? My beautiful tender lips nditsho “imilebe “bruised and battered from kissing the frogs that darken my doorstep I raise my voice to Cupid and my Ancestral Gods of love and lament the dire situation of my life. I love you my love, come to me. Love beckons and eludes “iyaphulukana”. You are here and yet closed your heart to my love and your ears to my lamentations. My heart bleeds rivers that feed the sea of pain My tears, rivers that wind through the beautiful  valley of our land and you refuse to be I love you my love come to me